Yvonne's Turkey with Whisky

Buy a turkey weighing about 5kg, a bottle of Whisky, salt, pepper, olive oil and some bards of lard.
Bard the turkey with lard, tie, salt and pepper and add a dash of olive oil.
Pre-heat the oven, thermostat 7, for 10 minutes.
During this time, pour yourself a glass of Whisky.
Put the turkey in the oven in an oven dish.
Next, pour yourself two glasses of Whisky and drink them both.
Increashe the thermoschtat to 8 after 20 minutes to seal in the juices.
Knock back three more glasses of Whisky.
After half an hour, get in the oven and check the turkey's progresh.
Take the bottle of Whishky and schpill a glashful all over yourshelf.
After another half hour, schtagger over to the oven, open the oven door and burn, spurn, churn - hic! - er, put the turkey the other way round.
Burn your hand on the blasted oven door while trying to close the damn thing - hell's bells!!
Try to sit down on a son-of-a-bitch of a chair and soak up five or six Whisky of glasses, or the opposhite - dunno!
Book, look, hook, rook, cook - no, well, yes, cook the mean so-and-so for four hours.
Whoa!! Five more glashes! By jove, you needed that!
Bake, rake - no, take the turkey out of the oven.
Wash down a fair gulp of Whisky.
Try to take the oven out of the rotten turkey again 'cos you didn't manache it the firscht time.
Pick up the turkey from the door, poor, hic! - floor, clean it with a piesche of kitchen roll and slap it on a slate -hic! - plate. Oh, what the hell!!
Fall over and break your neck on the tiley greases, or the greasy tiles (don't care any more) and try to stumble up.
Decide it's much more fun to stay on the floor and finisch the bottle of Whischky - hic! - hic!
Clamber to the bed, schleep like a log all night.
Next morning, eat the cold turkey with a luvverly mayonnaise (warning: pick off very carefully the kitchen roll still stuck to the turkey)
Spend the rest of the day cleaning up the awful mess you made in the kitchen the day before

This recipe was adapted from a version I found at http://luc.giard.free.fr/z_traduc_gb/ecosse.html. We also have a real turkey recipe.